intentions

“He means well.”  The age-old excuse for bad behavior. Some say the ends justify the means, but this is saying quite the opposite. In other words, people should not be faulted for their actions if their intentions were pure. The problem is, many of the worst atrocities in history were committed with good intentions.  It is quite possible to commit real evil but “mean well.” The real question is, does it matter what someone means if what they do ends in disaster?

There are really two issues at play here. The first has to do with our assuming good intentions and the second with our culture of feedback. Let’s start with the first. When we say someone “means well” we are usually referring to someone who does so over a long period of time; it’s usually not a one-off case.  In other words, someone who “means well” regularly screws things up. For someone who just cannot get things right, it seems like a stretch to assume they have good intentions. Someone with truly honest intentions will figure out a way to make things work. At least over the long haul.

The alternative explanation speaks to our culture of feedback. The second possibility is that our hero keeps messing up because they are never told that what they are doing is problematic. This may seem like a stretch but think of the more innocuous situations to bring this to life. Think of the person who always hogs the conversation or the one with bad manners at the dinner table. For some people these are real blind spots and potentially even cultural differences that may need to be pointed out by friendly acquaintances.

Unfortunately, our culture of feedback is such that many are reluctant to call someone out for bad behavior, all in the name of comradery. This is counterproductive. What usually happens is people talk behind their back but qualify it with “they mean well.” This is just an excuse. It is a way to balance the cognitive dissonance formed out of fear of confrontation. But we need to confront each other more. Not in an antagonistic way but out of respect. If each of us takes critical feedback openly, others will do the same. If we seek to improve ourselves, others will follow. Let’s stop making assumptions and help everyone be their best selves.