Expectations

Much of our emotional pain and suffering can be attributed to disappointment. And disappointment is a function of our expectations. Were you let down by the finale of your favorite television show? Crushed by the fizzle of a romantic relationship? Or maybe you’re upset because you didn’t get the dream job you’ve just interviewed for. Each of these situations, from the trivial (TV) to the more serious (career), can cause real, if albeit different levels of pain and yet the culprit is ourselves – our own expectations.

If you were keeping up with Breaking Bad for five years, you expect a lot of the finale. If you have strong feelings for the person you are dating, you are expecting it to continue on and ultimately get more serious. And if you are confident in your abilities and thought you crushed that interview, you expect to move on to the next round, or better yet, land the job.

But unfortunately, these circumstances are out of our control. The writers of Breaking Bad do not have you in mind when writing, and some (if not many) viewers will ultimately be disappointed with the finale (not me). Your romantic interest may not feel the same way as you do and the hiring manager may just be looking for a different skill-set. The reason our expectations can turn into painful disappointment is that we often think selfishly, without considering the other parties involved, which can lead to mismatched expectations. Put another way, it’s delusional thinking.

Were you reading the signs before the big break-up? Did you adequately address the interviewer’s concerns about your lack of experience? Maybe you did, or maybe you rationalized things to fall in line with your optimistic viewpoint that everything would work out for the best. Now, don’t get me wrong, a positive outlook is a good one indeed, but not if the positivity is delusional and out of line with reality. A good rule of thumb here is, hope for the best and plan the worst.

This does not mean we should never have high expectations. The extremes are rarely helpful places to live and so on the flip side, setting your expectations too low can create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you manifest negative outcomes. But what can be helpful is keeping our expectations higher for ourselves, but tempered for other people. Setting your own bar high will enable you to push yourself to achieve more. If things don’t work out, you only have yourself to blame and you can try harder next time. Setting the bar lower (but not too low) for others can lead to more pleasant surprises rather than painful let-downs. This way, we are personally in control of our own emotional reactions because we are not tying our happiness to the actions of other people.

One easy way to practice this form of internal expectation-setting is to give gifts this holiday season without expectation of anything in return. In truth, giving a gift to someone and expecting something in return is not even a gift at all – it is a transaction, or an exchange. A real gift is something you give without any expectation, and giving in this way can help train your mind and emotions to continue giving in life without reciprocal expectation. This is certainly not to say you should be a pushover. But if everyone were a little more giving and a little less taking, I think we would all be a lot happier.

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. Notice how it does not include anything about how you should expect to be treated in return. And that’s the point. You can’t control the actions of others – You can only control your own behavior. But the absence of reciprocation has no baring on your own ability to treat others nicely. A difficult rule to follow indeed, but if everyone followed it, the world would be a much friendlier place. That’s what makes it golden.

This holiday season, try giving without expecting. Treat others well, no matter what. Expect a lot of yourself, but cut others some slack. Follow the Golden Rule and perhaps you will see your fortunes change.